This is how we do it.

Last week I reached that level of exhaustion that makes you think that there is no other place you would rather be than the bed that you plopped down on even though you are actually really cold since you didn't have it in you to dig your way under the covers, your arm has gone numb because you landed on it when you fell into place, and you are ignoring the fact that a control is digging into your side as if to say "you aren't sleeping, are you?" So I guess you could say that I needed to blow off some steam this week.

Luckily, my cousin's bachelorette party was this weekend so I was obviously obligated to return to Vegas. I know my last trip was very anti-typical but I can't help but love how much this one was the complete cliché experience, besides the fact that I still can't get into gambling away my money and will avoid a buffet at all costs. Vegas with a huge group of girls means that it wasn't very hard for us to get on a list at Hyde the first night. As far as Vegas clubs are concerned, it's pretty typical, except that it has an open patio that looks onto the Bellagio water show and the rest of the strip beyond that. Apart from the ape shit view, the best part was realizing how badly I needed to dance it out. Sometimes you just gotta.

The official festivities began on Saturday at Dick's Last Resort which was responsible for the most exciting part of the evening since their...robust DJ decided that the bride needed a lap dance to the tune of My Pony. 

After that experience, the strip club couldn't compare. I'm not sure if you can tell from how well adjusted I am but my family is NUTS. On the way to the strippers, my mother stuck her ass out of the limo window and started a dog pile with my aunts. What's worse is that she doesn't even drink. This is how she behaves perfectly sober. The strippers were what I expected strippers to be. I feel like, if girl strippers acted like male strippers do, they would make so much more money. Personally, I think grabbing my butt as I get out of my seat is completely ass backwards (I couldn't resist) but I think guys might appreciate it more.

Finally, we booked it to Moon at the Palms because we had reserved a table. Each and every one of us ended up with incriminating photographs. Drunken family drama conversations, making moochers cry, Maroon 5 stunt doubles, and my lack of grace rounded off my evening. Woke up with a massive bump on my head, terrible back pain, a scabbed knee, a busted pinky, and a scratch that very closely resembles a 90s tribal arm band. VEGAS!

I know, I know, I'm gorgeous.

The Feels

Someone please make me stop being distracted so easily. Stupid brain won't focus on anything useful.

Currently, my madness is dwelling on how I'm really bad at putting effort into things. I will give up on anything and anyone if I decide that they're more trouble than they're worth. If I actually do go against everything in my nature to put effort into our friendship and get nothing back, I can very easily revert to not giving a fuck about you. I know that, in spite of my childhood paranoia, most people aren't, in fact, mind readers so I try to be as open and honest as my emotionally stifled upbringing will allow - good or bad. You see, in my family, the best thing you can say is a well timed insult so the ball buster in me finds it very difficult to share all of the kind thoughts that actually do occur to me from time to time. I'm by no means suggesting that this is one of my shinning attributes but I also don't feel that it's unreasonable. Just my specific kind of jaded, I suppose.

Speaking of reciprocating affections, I Love How You Love Me has been stuck in my head for days now. I'm sure it's because of all of those Phil Spector billboards but it's still way dreamy. I notice that when I'm extra busy, I tend to belt it out more in the shower and this sounded SO GOOD this morning. For sentimental reasons, my favorite version is from that time Carrick from Everybody Else covered it during one of his acoustic shows. The Paris Sisters version is just a tad too far down the flowery path for my liking so here we have Bobby Vinton's version which still makes me wish I was in a really big skirt at prom.

Hanna said I shouldn't write when I have the feels.

A Fantasmic! Birthday

I know I should have been satisfied with the unbelievable Vegas trip, but I just wouldn't be me if I didn't go to Disneyland to celebrate. As soon as I walked into the park, the gentleman at the gate sang me a birthday serenade (has anyone ever sang Happy Birthday to you backwards?) and, during the parade, all of the dancers and Snow White wished me a Happy Birthday. We lucked out because the rain kept away the children and the pansies. We got to ride everything, some things twice, got a decent spot for the Fireworks, and sat front row for Fantasmic! which I always feels is the epitome of Disney magic. Disneyland birthdays are just more special than most.

Even though Hanna has denied trips to Disneyland and Vegas for forever, she put her objections aside for lil ol' me and, just because she wanted me to have more reason to gush about her, she got me the Ork Poster that I wanted! She actually really enjoyed both so I don't feel too terrible about twisting her arm.  All this, plus the Chewbacca beanie that I bought myself made me very happy to have been born.

I hate when people think their birthdays should be celebrated all month long so this will be the final word on it. Pinky promise.

Amateur.

I've spent the last couple of days drooling over closets. I pretty much just have a standard ikea situation going on now and, lemme tell ya, it is not working. It's just mostly shelving which is completely wasted on someone that wears as many dresses as I do. But unfortunately, being unemployed and all, I'm not quite solvent enough to get anything fancy so I'm going to have to get creative. Plus, my room is so damn tiny that a custom fix is really the only way I'll get the best use of my space. I've decided to start with one of those cheapo ugly customizable things and work my way up from functional to exactly what I want. It's going to have to be very  out in the open to begin with but I don't even mind that since the crappy cramped mess that I deal with now is always surprisingly tidy. I also feel like starting from something über basic will allow me to feel out exactly what I need instead of the guessing game that I'm actually really enjoying. I just have so many ideas that I'm really excited about making happen. My clothes deserve better.

Feel free to admit if you just read this for some gossip. : p

Alien Finger Puppets: 3 for $1

"And now a quarter of my life is almost past. I think I've come to see myself at last."                                              - The Lovin' Spoonful

Walt Disney could not imagine how amazing my birthday was. Loved every minute of it. Even the few hiccups, like being unbearably exhausted and arriving at our room to realize that our keys weren't working and having to drag our sad corpses to the front desk, were endlessly entertaining.

There is so much more to Vegas than the watered down drinks in extra large souvenir cups and gambling. I put all of a whole entire dollar into a slot machine, lost it in one go, and was perfectly satisfied with that level of participation. I think it's hilarious that some people never even bother to go downtown. The first thing we did after checking in was head downtown and, in spite of the creeper dude that decided to tell me how good I smelled right before strapping me into my harness, the zip line was a masterful idea on my part. I like to think that I'm pretty fearless, and I've already conquered every roller coaster in Vegas, but even I had a massive lump in my throat when they told me to push myself off of the scaffolding and into what felt like certain death. Though it just doesn't get much better than flying passed vintage Vegas staples.

The next morning we headed right back downtown for the Neon Museum which was just the type of surreal that I want to swim in at all times. I have this weird thing for unexpected objects in really large numbers and huge dilapidated neon signs entirely strengthened that love affair. It's such a fascinating mixture of bright and faded and extravagant yet decrepit. And even though I was too engulfed in a manic photo moment to pay too much attention, I still enjoyed the parts of the tour that I managed to catch in between shutters about certain mob ties and how often Vegas demolishes casinos. I even got a little nostalgic at the end of the tour when I saw the old Sahara sign because I remember staying there before it closed.

After refueling with an incredibly delicious meal at Grand Lux, we found the energy to pick a show to see and, while it was hard to decide against Thunder From Down Under, we finally settled on Zumanity. I'm certain that Thunder could not have been hotter than the moaning bondage aerialist so it was definitely the right choice. I think it's my second favorite Cirque show after Love.

To complete our downtown trifecta, we ended up at Hogs & Heifers on my birthday and I got to dance on the bar in an inappropriately short dress. Could a girl ask for anything more?

I don't know how we managed to drag our asses up the next morning but we had a pretty big detour planned. The Little A'Le Inn is a terribly cheesy alien themed diner about three miles from Area 51 but we went purely on the basis that it was a shooting location for two X-files episodes. Hanna's quite fond of the X-files and I'm always up for something that teeters over the edge of sanity so I knew it would be fun but I had no idea that it would be AWE INSPIRING. I'm the biggest fan of California but I have to say that Nevada just has better roads to gawk at. Each scene looked unreal and alone would have made the trip worthwhile so the diner was just the cherry on top (even though I don't much care for cherries). By the time we got there I was starved and more in need of coffee than usual what with the birthday hangover and all. There is no way that I can do this place justice but there were signed dollars tapped to the ceiling, constant conversations about alien theories, and the main form of transportation appeared to be dirt bikes. UFOs, rusty trucks, and cows were responsible for my second manic photo moment.

Do I even have to say it? Best. Birthday. EVER.

(I swear I tried to pare these down)

BONEyard.

Pretty/Ugly challenge.

Atomic.

Not fit to drive.

By popular demand.

Phew! That was tough. I actually have a billion more pictures.

What's your damage, Heather?

I. Am. Neurotic. Packing for the weekend should not be this complicated. A "Pack This!" check-list is already pushing the boundaries of necessity but must I really highlight the items that I'm actually taking as well? The answer is a resounding "hellll no," in case you were wondering. You would think that I'd be better at this what with all of the practice I've had but my luggage is already full and I haven't even put any clothing in it yet. Seven pairs of shoes is not unreasonable. GIRLS (insert self-deprecating eye roll here)! Not to mention that I've gone on a full tilt cleaning frenzy because the thought of my room being a mess all weekend grosses me out. Plus, there's no way I'm sitting in a cluttered car for four hours without going insane so that too had to be relieved of my stacks of books and receipts. Damn my passion for reading and shopping.

At least I've grown out of most of my childhood quirks. Can't imagine why I used to feel compelled to wash my hands and rush out of the bathroom before the toilet finished flushing but lil me must have had REALLY good reasons. Though there's probably no explaining ritually pouring water out of windows based on the belief that there were murderers outside and that they would give themselves away if I could catch them unawares. Yeah, I had issues.

At least my current damage produces stacks of clean laundry!

So to continue down this crazy train, this weekend's plans are just getting better and better. On top of Excalibur having a twofer special where I could potentially see Thunder From Down Under AND Tournament of The Kings, Hannimal has just informed me that we will be making a pit stop at an X-files shooting location. The fact that these are options in my world makes me oh so grateful.

Now wave goodbye to the cowboy.